Barbie turns 50 this month.
Yes, I know. I'm a feminist. I'm supposed to shun Barbie. But I love that little blond minx, probably because my feminist mother didn't let me have one. She didn't want to bring sexist playthings into our groovy home. I've been obsessed with Barbie ever since. Not the Malibu Beach bunny of my childhood, either, but the original, 1959 collector's-item Barbie, with her retro sunglasses and her smart maillot. So what's with Mattel's new Fiftieth Anniversary Barbie? Have you seen her? Yikes. Let's compare and contrast.
Accessory: Gold hoops
Drink: Dom Perignon
Designers: Norell, Yves St. Laurent, Givenchy
Mood music: Sinatra
Vacation spot: Cap D'Antibes
Vice: Cigarettes (in holder)
Steady: Ken in a tuxedo
Discreet, one-time fling (too many martinis): G.I. Joe
Accessory: Pink rhinestone cell phone
Drink: Jello shots
Designers: Forever 21, American Apparel (for shiny leggings!), Abercrombie
Mood music: Spears
Vacation spot: Sandals
Vice: Cocaine (off ladies' room floor)
Steady: Earring Magic Ken
Drunken one-night stand(s) (too much of everything): Elijah Burke, CM Punk and Tommy Dreamer
Really, which Barbie would you want to be?
If I had a little girl, I wouldn't let her have 2009 Barbie, either.
My mom would be proud.